Memo from the Department of Literary Security
To: All Potential Authors & Interested Parties
RE: Literary Alert Level Tango
The Secretary has been monitoring internet traffic on sites frequented by wordsmiths and detected elevated levels of activity among literary agents provocateurs from the Office of Letters & Light. It is our determination that this uptick in chatter related to writing nonstop for a month and the hoarding of items related to same indicates an imminent Significant Word-Count Event (SWCE).
All writers are advised to shelter in place or seek out the nearest library or coffee shop. During the last SWCE, over 3 billion words erupted from the nation’s writers and worldwide shortages of coffee, pastries, and adjectives were reported.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
During moments of extreme literary unrest, the department advises that it can take up to thirty (30) days for emergency supplies to reach affected areas. All writers are advised to stock up on necessary supplies and foodstuffs sufficient to sustain life and word counts unaided for thirty (30) days without resupply.
Our experts have prepared the following list of suggested supplies for all writers:
- A comfy place to sit or stand in a place conducive to surviving 30 unbroken days of writing.
- Coffee, tea, hot cocoa, or coffee.
- Sustainable levels of baked goods.
- Vegetables for when you are feeling guilty for trying to survive entirely on items 2 and 3.
- Writing implements to fit your age, milieu, or chosen level of pretense.
- Ink for pens, printers, copiers, goose quills (see item #5).
- Phone numbers of out-of-area contacts willing to take late-night phone calls when you are stuck, overwhelmed, or procrastinating.
- A padlock to secure the off-switch for the internet for most of the duration of the emergency.
- A supportive and/or tolerant spouse, family member, roommate, significant other, good friend, complete stranger you thought you knew but turned out you didn’t but who gives surprisingly good advice on dialogue.
- A sense of humor.
- Additional items, medications, &c. may be added as needed for the individual. Good luck and may the spirit of those who came before guide you in this time of trial.
The department will monitor the situation and report developments via the usual channels as events warrant.
See you in December.
Scott W. Perkins
Unofficial Secretary of Literary Security
(Congressional approval pending)